The Insecurities

“I’m giving you only one semester. Go break up with her and stop this non sense!”

“It’s not like what you think, ma.”

“I’ve known enough to know what’s going on here. If you won’t listen to me, you’re going back home and you’ll stop studying!”

With that, mom walked out, leaving me more depressed than ever.

“Hey. We need to talk.”

*message sent*

I waited for her reply…I waited long…

“Hey, is something wrong?”

I wanted to ask her what took her so long to reply, and then I realized it has only been a couple of minutes.

“Are you home? I’ll be there in 10 minutes.”

-her apartment-

“What happened?”

“Mom…”

“…What’s with your mom?”

“She knew.”

“She knew what?”

“About us.”

“…”

We hugged, cried and silently prayed that this is not the end. We knew what’s going to happen.

I was afraid that these 4 months of happiness will soon come to its end.

”What do you want to do now? It’s not like your mom’s gonna let this off easily.”

“I dunno.”

“…”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Do you want to stop?”

“I don’t know. I’m…confused.”

“I don’t want us to break up. But…”

“But what?”

“But if it’s between me and your mom, I don’t want to be a selfish bitch and force you to choose me.”

Her words pierced hard through me. At that moment, I knew what choice to make.
————————————————————–

“So, what time will you be home?”

“Probably around 3 or 4.”

“Why? Your class ends at 12.”

“Well, I will just treat my friends for lunch. They won’t let me off today since it’s my birthday.”

“Okay, then.”

“I left the apartment keys above the window. I’ll see you, then.”

“Okay.”

“…”

“…”

“Are you okay?”

“Yes. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Uhm…yeah.”

“You don’t want me to come with them, right?”

“Mhm. But it’s fine, really. Since it’s your birthday and all.”

*giggles* “I’ll be home by 12:30. Wait for me, kay?”

“Okay then. :)”

It was her birthday. Of course, I wanted to spend time with her. I prepared food for us. I bought a cake and balloons. Knowing that she’d rather spend her time with her friends made me annoyed. Yes, I was selfish…really really selfish. But she understood and she bore with it. ❤

-lunch time-

*click*

“Hey~”

She greeted me with a warm smile, a hug and a quick peck.

“Looks like you got bored waiting for me so you prepared food.”

“Not really. Happy birthday~”

“That’s it? Only happy birthday? I heard that for about a thousand times today already.”

“Then what?”

“…”

“What?”

“Say the magic word.”

“What magic word?”

“…”

“Oh. I love you~ ^^”

We ate, watched TV, shared jokes, drank together and cuddled for the rest of the night. Somehow it felt like really really good and I just wanted it to stay like that forever.
—————————————————————

Just like any normal relationships, we experienced problems.

Being jealous doesn’t mean that you do not trust your partner. Sometimes, it’s an indication that you’re afraid of losing them.

She did get jealous a lot. But, I don’t know why, she dare not fight over guy matters with me.

-while watching TV-

“I checked your phone.”

“Mhm?”

“Who’s that guy?”

“Who?”

“Jay.”

“No one. Just a guy from school.”

“Anything else you’d like to share about this Jay guy?”

I looked at her. I don’t want to answer. But there’s no point lying now.

”N…Nothing.”

“Are you sure?”

“Well..”

“Hmm?”

“Just a guy who liked me before.”

“That’s it?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you like him?”

“No.”

“How about me? Do you like me?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because I love you, bitch. Stop asking obvious questions.”

“Can I trust your answer?”

“If you want to, you can.”

Every single time we discussed about guys, it all ended up like this. Like nothing happened. She trusted me too much.
———————————————————

-a random evening, a week after our 8th month-

“Why are you smoking again?”

“Nothing. I just felt like it.”

“You don’t smoke unless something’s bothering you.”

“Nothing’s bothering me. I just missed smoking at night.”

“I won’t kiss you tonight if you don’t stop smoking.”

“I’d just brush my teeth.”

“Want a beer?”

“Do we have one?”

“I’ll buy you one.”

“How about you?”

“I’ll buy for myself too.”

“Okay, then.”

She went out. She knew me too well. Something really was bothering me that night. I threw my 4th stick and took another stick and started smoking again, trying to get myself to think straight.

“How many sticks do you have left?”

She handed me a can of beer and took a sip on her own.

“I still have about 7 more sticks.”

“Are you going to finish it?”

“Probably. It depends.”

“By the time you finished smoking all of that, will you tell me what’s bothering you?”

“Do you really need to wait until I’m finished smoking?”

“Not really. I don’t have that much patience either.”

“…”

“I can only think of two reasons why you’re like this.”

“Spill.”

“One, something happened to your family.”

“No. They’re fine.”

“Two, something happened to US.”

“…”

“Can you tell me now?”

“I’m…”

“Do you want to stop now?”

“No…Not really…I’m…”

“You’re not sure?”

*sigh* “Mhm…”

“I don’t want to play cool now. But this is hurting me too much.”

“This doesn’t mean I’m breaking up with you.”

“I know. But this means you’re having the thoughts of breaking up with me.”

“Are you mad?”

“No. Why would I be?”

“Then what?”

“I’m just…sad.”

With that, she finished her beer and entered the room. I was left there alone, thinking of why I said those things to her, why I made her feel sad. I threw the last stick I smoked and entered the room.

She was there, lying on the bed, with her back facing the door. Looking at her like that, I can tell she’s crying. I laid beside her and hugged her sincerely. After a few minutes, she turned around to face me. Her face was so red because of her crying, but there are no tears anymore.

“Are you going to break up with me?”

“No.”

I was actually not sure if I will be breaking up with her. But I firmly said ‘no’ just for the sake of not making her feel more down.

“Do you still love me?”

“Yes.”

This time, I was sure. I loved her. And it was an honest answer.

“Do you love me now as much as you loved me before?

“…”

I think we had a silent understanding. I didn’t bother to answer, she didn’t bother to ask more. The only thing we can do is to seize the moment while it lasts. She hugged me, I hugged her back. She kissed me, I kissed her back. Somehow, everything felt weird, both in a good and a bad way.
———————————————————————

-to be continued-

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7 Responses to The Insecurities

  1. syahidahz says:

    this is great..well, you’re great! i’m excited for this story now..woohoo..=)

    hwaiting chari!

  2. Auddie says:

    You said it won’t make me cry, but i think i’m crying, and dying in heart.. TT~TT

  3. bloodybedsheets says:

    please continue with this… my heart is breaking really… T.T

    puwera biro CHAR…

  4. phateebabee says:

    Hi please don’t mind me going through your blog … hehe .. Wow … please update soon …

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