written by: syahidahz @ BEG Int’l Forum
Author’s note: I wrote this in class so I’m sorry if it’s no good. And I know I promised something happy but please don’t kill me. I’ll write happy stuff soon.
There are times when she would look at me and smile unknowingly. There will be those moments when I’ll catch her watching me engrossed in doing my own things. And then there are those times when I’ll feel her kiss me ever so slightly when I take a short nap on her lap.
I love her. That girl; Son Gain. I love how important she makes me feel. I love how she’ll be mad but will smile the moment she sees me. If only I could utter those words. Those three words. I know she’ll be mine. But then there’s Seungri and he loves her too and I know that. I recognize that fond look in his eyes everytime he looks at her. It kills to know that a dongsaeng I’m really fond of is in love with the woman I love.
“Hyung, do you think I should ask Gain out?” Seungri asked as he stirred his coffee and took a sip of it.
“Well, if that’s what you want…” I tried to sound alright and unaffected.
“I do..I do want to go out with her as in date her but everytime I look at her, everytime we talked and I try to make a move, she seems to distant herself. It’s as if she’s in love with someone else.” He said; disheartened.
I looked down at my cup of coffee. I felt so guilty. Here is a man who’s willing to give Gain his all and instead of letting her love him, I’m selfishly getting in the way and he didn’t even know it. He didn’t even know that his hyung is in love with the same girl he does.
Why am I like this? Why can’t I love someone else? Why can’t I love Sunye instead? Sunye doesn’t drive me crazy thinking about her. She doesn’t make me second-guess myself and she’s pretty too and she makes me happy…..but she’s not Gain.
“Kwon, are you alright?” Gain asked; the concern clearly visible in her eyes.
“Yeah. Of course I am. Why?” I smiled awkwardly.
“It’s just that you look different. It’s like you have a lot of troubles in your mind. You can talk to me if you want.” She smiled kindly.
How can I tell her that it’s her. She is what’s on my mind. She is what I think about day and night. She’s the reason I can’t sleep or eat without feeling like I’m gonna throw up.
“I’m fine. Look, I need to go okay? I’ll call you.” I got up from the sofa and walked towards the door.
“Okay.” She says sincerely.
I turned around and looked at her. She smiled once again and I wished she had not. I wished she had been cold and distant and not so darn lovable like she is right now because then forgetting her will be easier.
“Okay look Gain. Can you don’t look at me like that?” I stopped in my track and postponed leaving her place.
“What? What look?” She was puzzled.
“Can you don’t smile at me all the time and act like everything’s okay? Things are not okay Gain! Outside of your world, things are going crazy do you that? And I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy because of you!” I snapped.
“What are you talking about?” She asked quietly.
“I LOVE YOU GAIN! I love you so god damn much! I love the way you look at me, I love cheering you up when you have a bad day, I love trying to make up to you when I did something wrong, I love how I can’t see your eyes when you smile and I love everything about you!” I confessed my feelings.
“No listen. I love you! You have no idea how much I want to be with you but this right here, WE can’t work out because Seungri loves you too!” I told her.
“He loves you and he’s good for you and I’m not. He’s ten times the man I’ll ever be.” I said; disheartened.
Gain slowly approached me and cupped my face in her hands and slowly kissed me.
Our first official kiss.
Those lips felt so right brushing against mine and I wanted so much to reciprocate the kiss but I knew better.
“I can’t…” I slowly pulled away from her.
“I love you.”
I’ve wondered for so long what it will be like to have her said those three words to me and now that she finally said it; the feeling is so much stronger than I had imagined.
“I’ve always loved you Kwon. You’re the reason why I’m always smiling and laughing and happy. I love you because you make me a better person and I want to be with you Kwon.” She said.
“No Gain. You can’t love me.”
“If you don’t want me to love you then why do you love me, Kwon?”
“Because affection is a strange thing and here I am standing in front of you, begging you to love Seungri. He’ll be good to you. Unlike me, he’ll make you happy. I’m just not good enough Gain. I’ll never be good enough.” My voice trembled with emotions.
She looked at me and smiled the saddest smile I’ve ever seen. “You give up too easily Kwon. I never thought you’re this kind of person.”
“See! This is exactly the kind of person I am! I give up. I let go. I’m this kind of person Gain! I don’t fight for anything because I’m not brave enough and I suck at love.” I tried to prove my point.
“But Seungri’s not. He’s brave and he’ll hold on to something he set his mind to and he don’t second guess his decisions.”
“Pick him Gain. Choose him. Love him.” I said painfully.
It hurts to utter those words. “Love him.” Knowing that the him doesn’t refer to me. For once in my life, I wished I didn’t know what love is. I wished I haven’t fall in love. Atleast not with her.
I turned my back and started walking towards the door. It hurts to leave but it was harder to stay. I was regretful that I had said those words. If only I had not said them then maybe it won’t hurt like this. Maybe it would have been easier to let her go.
You selfish a**! Why must you tell her that you love her?! You’re an idiot Kwon!
“You don’t get it do you Kwon? You don’t see how my heart is actually breaking into pieces because of you. Do you know how many times I’ve tried telling myself to stop loving you because it felt stupid to be in love with you. It doesn’t make sense but I can’t keep myself from thinking about you and even if I try, I always end up right here; madly in love with you.” Gain said quietly.
“You don’t think I’ve tried? You don’t think I know that Seungri loves me? Do you have any idea how much I want to love him and how much I’m hurting because I can’t and it’s all because of you. It’s all because of the way you look at me and the way you smile at me and the way your ears turn red when I said something embarrassing to you.” She continued.
I turned around again and saw her crying.
“I can’t don’t love you Kwon. I can’t..”
I stared deep into her eyes; making sure to maintain the eye contact as I walked closer and closer to her.
I stopped inches away from her where I can even hear her breathing. I caressed her face for awhile and wipe the tears off her cheeks.
“It’s Seungri, Gain. Not me.” I whispered and walked away.